Mr. Right…NOW (By: Josmin Khatun)

It is a cultural stigma to expect a female to be more committed, attached and expectant of her relationship and its outcomes than her respective partner. In some cases, whether they may be matches made in heaven or within the margins of a teen’s notebook as she daydreams about her prince charming, this can sometimes be true — the girl will be psychotically (a word, you’ll notice, most guys like to throw around the second they feel even the slightest of attachment) in love with him. But what most XY chromosome-ers have yet to realize is that women often have a set agenda of their own…one that usually does not include him for too long.

Simply put, he’s Mr. Right…For Now. The relationship that goes well, but with an expiration date not too far off into the distant future. Come on, you know you’ve been guilty of this at least one time or another. You fall for him by chance: you said YES because you had nothing better to do that Friday night, or maybe your friends set you up and he’s actually kinda cute, or maybe you hadn’t gotten some in a while, or hell, maybe you just wanted a free meal, damnit (blame it on the economy). Either way, you go for it, and then, you STAY.

Why you stay — now this is where it gets a bit more complicated and we prove why women are the more emotional and thoughtful of the two Homo Erectus (I just love saying that word) genders. You stay because he’s sweet, you stay because he’s thoughtful, you stay because he’s put a lot into the growth of the relationship (he actually CHANGED himself…for me!? *awww*). You stay because you need someone to call at night, you stay because you need to be needed, you stay because you need to be wanted, you stay because he calls you “Beautiful”, you stay because he tells his Mom about you, you stay because he’s not like the last douche you dated, you stay because it’s comfortable and you hate change, you stay because….well, why shouldn’t you stay? So you stay.

But we all know, and this means YOU, that no matter how long you stay, no matter how long you “make it work” and “see where this goes”, you know that in the back of your mind, you’ve already signed on the dotted line, crossed the t ‘s, dotted the i ‘s, and taken everything you can out of this relationship — the groom on top of the wedding cake is not him, and you know it.

So let him go. Stop wasting his time and let him go find his wifey and then you can move onto the next “asshole” that you’ll try and fix. It’s not easy letting go, but let the wise words of Usher guide you: “I know you’ve got it bad, and even though you’re my boo, these are my confessions, and it’ll be like moving mountains, but I want it my way, so you gotta let it burn…YEAH!”

The Ones that Fool You ;) (By: Royena Tanaz)

Ask a woman what kind of man she wants and 9 out of 10 times she’ll say she wants a sweet, honest, and funny guy who’ll take care of her without getting too clingy. Put this “Mr. Right” next to “Mr. Cocky Inattentive Jerk”. The result?  A substantial loss of common sense. His masculinity and confidence clouds her vision. Women flock to these douchebags like a sample sale on 5^thAve.

So it seems like he’s interested. He’ll grace her with his presence sporadically, keeping her wanting more. She’ll see this like he’s giving her space, but he’s actually just being unintentionally indifferent. He’ll tell her about his life and what he’s been through, and she’ll see this as him opening up to her when really, he’s telling her things that only play up what a badass he (thinks he) is. When she tries to open up to him, chances are he’ll be unresponsive and maybe even say she’s being overdramatic and immature. He’s assertive, secure, and has swagger comparable to Usher in his “Burn” music video (gimme a second to recover oooweee) .  But really, he’s overly self-centered and truly believes he can get with any girl. He knows how to touch, kiss, and how to get the neighbors to know his name, leaving her thinking how no guy has ever made her feel like that. He knows she’s on lock.

If you are one of these women, the worst mistake you can make is this: thinking that you are the one who’s meant to change him. You’re not the Rachel Leigh Cook to his Freddie Prince Junior living out She’s All That. Do yourself a favor by stopping him from thinking that he’s doing you a favor by being in your life. While this may risk what you may have with him, step back and let HIM appreciate YOU. If this doesn’t work, unfortunately, you’ve been fooled, and you’re probably not his first victim. But ladies, please move on. After all, you don’t always find something you want at every sample sale.

untitled.

Ironically when I started writing this, I had to start with the ending first and work my way back up to the beginning. This is a new style, lets see how it works. I walked into Borders today for one of my much needed breathers, and I skimmed through the aisles realizing that each book I touched released on more knot of nervous energy that I carry with me all day. I stop and pick one up and realize it’s the only way I can describe you. The cover catches me at first glance. Clean lines, a spark of color, and the title makes me question what the book is about. I pull it off the shelf and realize that it’s thick with pages and immediately I’m turned off by the amount of reading I would potentially have to get through but I give it that second chance. I skim the pages before settling down to read and before I know it the clock is striking 12 and the stores are shutting down and I go up front to purchase the book I almost shoved right back on the shelf. You realize you’re the exact same right? I didn’t catch it at first but now I see it. You’re that book. You know, the one that has that shiny cover and that everyone loves to look at and pick up and read the back cover to see what it’s about. A fewer amount of people actually choose to crack that book open and even less decide to skim the pages. And there is only that handful that decides to sit down with it and a pinch that decide to take you to the comfort of their home and jump into your depths. Isn’t it funny though, you’re like my hardcover, my favorite one actually. I bought it brand new but over the years I have come back to it over and over, it’s my safety and it’s slightly worn in but I still feel the same way about it when I brought it brand new- that excitement when you crack open the first page and delve into a life that you will never live.  You have covered yourself just the same way. I’ve laughed at you about covering your heart up with your million walls but it’s okay because  I know that inside it there is a huge heart soft like the pages of my worn book it may have a few coffee spills on it, dog eared pages that mark important memories or pages in this case, one or two pages may be torn by  mistakes or heartbreaks but in the end your intact and you tell me your story. You may not be perfect, and I may need to go back every so often to reread what was written but ultimately when I turn the page there is one more lesson to learn and one more story to tell and one more reason to call it my favorite.

The Over Analyzers (by: Kp Patel)

The “Over Analyzers.” If your man could read this with a smirk and think “ha, yea right, not me,” I’ve got one word for ya, he’s in: D-Nial. And he gets a D for his ability to fascinate, entice and leave you begging for more. He is an over analyzer. Still not sure? Take this here test:

Does he…

1. spend more time thinking about your relationship than experiencing it?
2. constantly ask his friends for advice?
3. excessively need reassurance?
4. think “girls night out” is a time for females to get together to cheat on their S.O.s?
5. wonder what the true meaning behind “it’s a women’s world, men just live in it” is?
6. wonder just how we get our poof to look so flawless?

If you answered yes to 2 or more of questions 1-5, he, my friend, is an Over Analyzer.

If you answered yes to question 6, please redirect to the “do my ruffle-y panties really just secure his member better than his boxers?” quiz.

There’s not much to be said about Over Analyzers. They can be best described as:

1. easily combustible.
2. in need of immense attention.
3. easily tarnished when not kept in air tight containers.
4. having a short shelf life.

Overanalyzers point blank don’t make the cut. There’s no way to remold, train, or appease these men. With that being said if you find yourself dating one of these, stop reading and RUN.

—KP Patel (resident stank ass ho…. telecommuting from roanoke)

The Complainer

Also known as the party buzzkill. The complainers will always burn in our hearts till you need a slap of pepcid AC. The phrase “distance makes the heart grow fonder” will always pertain to the complainers because remember, “out of sight, out of mind”. You can always tell a lot about a man based on their behavior in public and these guys show their true colors when in a crowd- like a dolphin doing its tricks at sea world. My favorite is when you take them out on a date and nothing is right for them- not the drinks, the food, or in fact what your wearing. And at least 30 minutes into dinner your making puppy eyes at the waiter, hoping he and the rest of the kitchen staff wont spit into your food as they “revise” it for the umpteenth time. Conversations only get better with time as they tell you their life saga until you cross your legs and wonder why you even thought about shaving “down there” today. But most importantly the walk to the door makes you feel like being by yourself on a Friday night would have been less painful then this overall experience… but always remember when you awkwardly kiss him goodnight at the door, he’s just going to turn around and complain to his friends about what a shitty date you were.

Just remember, those precious few moments when you open the door and they judge your appearacnce is crucial to the sexual chemistry in any relationship. But come on, who can’t be won over by “are you sure you want to wear that?”…. Makes me want to just hop in the sack. right here. right now. sike.

Sexual Innuendo in 3..2…

Ahhh the beauty of fluctuating hormones, the ever-so desired “woman week”, the wonderful $0.77 we make to every man’s dollar, and the constant pangs of wondering if this outfit “makes me look fat”. Aren’t women lucky? AND to make our lives just that much more fascinating, we are weighted with the lovely opportunity (read: burden) to find Mr. Right. Yet, at every corner we are graced with the presence of Mr. Right… Now, who eventually turn into Mr. OMG  what the hell was I drinking. This ultimately leads you to thinking which men to stay away from. Lucky for you, we have the breakdown:

The “usuals”

The Complainers

The Pretty Boys

The Frat Boys

Mr. I’m the Shiiiieeetttt

The Cheaters

Momma’s Boys

The Ones that Fool You

The Overanalyzers

Mr. Overly Attentive

The Pushover

The Hardworkers

Let the games begin.